Welcome vandalism

That's definitely an improvement. Thanks, random person!

Dear Sony...

I feel like maybe I put this off for too long, talking to you like this. It seems like I should have taken you aside the second you announced "The Amazing Spiderman" would be a be a sort-of reboot. 

Telling Spiderman's origin story again with a severely reduced budget, starring Eduardo from "The Social Network" seemed like the kind of corporate stupidity Hollywood revels in.

It just feels so...focus grouped. 

Tailored to make the board executives chortle vigorously into their kiddie pools of Patrón and silver dollars.

Thankfully that corporate mindset has payed off for you guys. "The Amazing Spiderman" earned $35 million on opening day. The business shamans (analysts) are saying it will earn $140 million by Sunday.

 Granted, you probably are a little disappointed it didn't do as well as the Raimi Spiderman movies, but I'm sure you'll power through it.

The movie has even done well with the foppish internet movie critics of our day. It's sitting pretty with a 71 percent on Rotten Tomatoes.

I'm happy it all worked out for you. Really I am. You probably have all celebrated by retreating to your own private islands and doing whatever it is disturbingly rich executives do, like hunting Narwals.

The thing is, there's a problem here. It's reflected in most of the reviews, which is usually one sentence that prefaces the first paragraph;

Why exactly does this movie exist?

It's not about the quality of the film, it's that everyone still remembers the first Sam Raimi Spiderman. 

Even worse, they remember that there were two Sam Raimi Spiderman movies after that one, which means that the Spiderman character and universe were already pretty well established by the time you decided to set everything back to square one with the reboot.

Why exactly did you decide to redo the origin story, by the way?

I can rationalize everything else as corporate stupidity. But the attempted Batman Begins of the franchise seems like regular stupidity.

It doesn't help that the Spiderman origin is that special kind of comic book silliness.

A guy gets bitten by a radio active spider, which then gives him super charged parkour powers and the spider fueled intelligence to build web shooters. No amount of Christopher Nolans could make that "gritty" or "real."

It's not that I don't understand your situation, Sony. I know that you have to keep making Spiderman movies to keep the rights from reverting back to Marvel. I know that must have put you in a bind when Sam and Co scattered to the wind after you forced them to make Spiderman 3 terrible.

I understand all that, but...just, listen. Here's a secret that will probably make you all simultaneously shatter your capitalistic movie making monocles; A new superhero movie, or at least a reboot, doesn't have to be an origin story. 

Think back to the one movie that really got this whole trend going, Tim Burton's Batman. How cool was it that we knew next to nothing about The Batman? He was like a mythical creature to everyone in Gotham. Choosing not to focus on how he became that myth enhanced that aspect.

How cool would it be if you bought the rights to, say, "Moon Knight" and then did a movie that never even mentioned his origin? Sooo cool Sony, that's how cool it would be.

See, the thing you also have to realize is that it doesn't really matter, monetarily at least, what the Spiderman movies are about. "Spiderman 3" made $890.9 million worldwide and featured an emo haired, dancing Peter Parker.

It's enough for Spiderman to be in the title to get the herds into the theaters. Why not use that fact as not an excuse to shart out a reboot, but an economic freedom to really experiment with the franchise?

At the very least, you could temporarily allow Marvel the Spiderman character for "Avengers 2." That would then build up some buzz for whatever Spiderman movie you would need then to put into production (maybe a Harlem Globetrotters crossover, just throwing it out there. I might have a treatment floating around, somewhere...) while giving the fanboys what they want.

Either way Sony, you need to do something to make them fanboys happy. We remember Turn Off the Dark.

We'll always remember, you bastards.

Why Yes, I Do Believe We Need A New God. I Vote For This Guy

I don't even know what to type here. Just please, watch this video. It's..beyond words.

So What Should Be Done About these “Women” Then?

See, there are these things called “women.” You are probably familiar with them as a concept. Maybe you’re friends with one, or even married to a member of the apparent “fairer” sex. I’m not here to judge.

The thing is women like to play video games. This was once considered a myth derided as heresy by the video game playing shamans, but these days there are more women interested in games than ever before.

The ESA has found that as much as 40 percent of the current video game audience is female. Some women might even like Facebook games more than sex! Keep in mind that last study was carried out by Doritos, who are not fully licensed sexologist examiners.

The Little Kids at CLU are Awesome

Yahtzee almost wrote Duke Nukem Forever

Apparently at some point Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, the Australian maniac behind the excellent Zero Punctuation reviews, was approached to write a script for Duke Nukem Forever when it was still with 3D Realms.

He had the idea of the game taking the piss a bit more, where Duke is essentially a more obvious 90's action hero parody with some much needed irony. Sadly 3D Realms wasn't too keen on this idea and turned him into the misogynistic idiot the game desperately tries to pass off as genuine.

All we can do now is imagine how amazing a Yahtzee penned Duke Nukem game could have been. And hope someone finds the audition script.

You can read the rest of the story on escapistmagazine.com. For some reason I can't post links.

Adventures in Drunk Gaming: Cthulhu Saves the World

There aren’t enough games that feature Cthulhu or the other works of H.P. Lovecraft, the spindly, racist nerd that introduced the world to cosmic horror.

There also aren’t enough games that feature Cthulhu reluctantly stepping up to save the world as opposed to destroying it, like a tentacled John McClane facing down a German Alan Rickman. This is so he can then destroy said world, because fuck German Alan Rickman. That bastard killed Dumbledore.

Thankfully, the world now has Cthulhu Saves the World.

If it’s not obvious by now, I’m writing this while consuming just enough Jack Daniels to be Charming. This is also how I played the game Cthulhu Saves the World for my new column Adventures in Drunk Gaming that I will probably never revisit because while writing this sentence I leveled up to Angry Drunk and FUCK THE NEW TEEN WOLF, FUCK IT RIGHT IN IT’S FAT NECK!!!!

But I digress. Cthulhu Saves the World was developed for the Xbox Live Indie Marketplace by Zeboyd games, a small developer that has so far specialized in old school RPGs that fill nerds with nostalgic juices. These juices are potent and if harvested correctly, can be used to make Marmite.

The game sells for less than $5 when you convert it from Xbox Live Fun Money, which isn’t too bad for a game that actually feels more polished than something like Final Fantasy XIII.

The game opens up with Cthulhu doing stuff. Then he for some reason decides to become a hero so he can get back his powers and destroy the world. A girl also becomes his groupie along the way. He might have tricked the bad guy by taping a gun to his back at one point, but I think that’s Die Hard again.

Anyway, the game plays like absolutely any old school RPG ever made. What sets it apart is that you can actually drive enemies insane for different strategic effects. This can also backfire as some enemies become stupidly more powerful while insane.

The dialogue is also legitimately funny, not just drunk “laugh at everything” funny. Cthulhu is a fish out of water that desperately wants to eviscerate everyone around him, but he can’t because of a curse that is never explained. Comedy!

Cthulhu Saves the World is pretty great considering the price and that three people made it. As a drunk man that’s currently regretting a lot of life decisions, I give it a B out of 10.