A call to imagination (still waiting)

So I haven't updated this blog in a few days. That is a fact that I have acknowledged, ever so painfully, as I attempt to begin the new semester at Moorpark College and attempt to pass my classes to become the gay and lesbian farm life journalist the world has been waiting for.

The monstrous amount of classes (apparently I need to know how to fly a biplane to cover gay farmers) has made keeping track of nerdy enough news for this valley a tad bit hard.

I've also met the unnatractive and yet seductive lady that is writers block, so even coming up with fake news has become a chore.

That's why I'm going to just shill two publications I currently work for.

Student Voice: If you go to Moorpark, Oxnard or Ventura, this is a student run newspaper you should be familiar with. If you don't, it's still an impressive paper and news site that manages to be fair and unbiased.

The Acorn: I've only written for the Simi Valley branch of The Acorn, but the others are just as well written and informative. The Acorn, no matter where you live, is a must if you want to keep up with the news in your community.

Ventura County Community College Spotlight: Moorpark College

Here's the Moorpark College arcade as previously noted, brought to you in gloriously crappy Ipone-o-vision.

The arcade, compared to others at community and (gasp!) UC colleges, isn't too shabby. Granted a lot of the cabinets are in less than ideal condition and one of the games, Marines Training, is not only cheesy as hell but also completely borked.

There are seven machines total, with two of them being devoted to the digital fighting arts and the rest what you would expect in this kind of establishment.

They are Street Fighter Third Strike, Marvel v. Capcom 2, the shittacular Marines Training, a cabinet that has a wide variety of games loaded onto the motherboard, an SNK machine that a few of their finest offerings, and lastly a Blitz machine.

It also has a relatively new trackball bowling game, but that bastard replaced the cheesey brilliance that is Area 51, so I'm not a big fan of that particular one.

Also, this arcade wins and makes most nerds salivate for Third Strike.


For those backwards mouth breathers who aren't familiar with Third Strike, I have nothing but sympathy. Because ironically anyone who hasn't heard of the brilliance that is Street Fighter: Third Strike will probably remain a virgin forever.

Thankfully this person doesn't exist, and everyone knows that Third Strike is the greatest fighting game of all time.

Sadly this machine has seen better days, with most of the buttons having an unidentifiable grime around them and a few of the buttons replaced with convex ones, as opposed to the western standard of concave.

The sticks also don't work quite as well as they should, with stiffness that can make it hard to pull off a semi circle move and a serious lag in responsiveness.

The Capcom v. Marvel 2 machine has the same problem, except to a much lesser degree. And of course the entire machine has a coat of that wonderful grime.

The rest of the cabinets work as expected, with the SNK machine being particularly noteworthy. The sticks and buttons all have a tight responsivness to them, making Metal Slug 3 just a little bit less hellish.

The arcade, as a whole, is in better shape then other places, with most of the machines in working order. The Third Strike and Capcom machines are too beat up for serious competitive play, but that's to be expected considering the kind of sweaty attention these two gems get.

Rise of the ghetto arcade machines

The Spring semester for most colleges has finally started, meaning other than enduring class cuts and the wonderful system that is public transportation, sweaty freshman and seniors will once again cram themselves into a run down remnant of an on campus arcade like clowns in a small car.

The Moorpark College arcade, which is where I am currently finishing up my education to become a Gay and Lesbian Farm Life Journalist, is in better condition then other colleges.

Still, it's disheartening to see the cracked paint and loose joy sticks on cabinets that haven't been mass produced in some time. Arcades are where a section of nerdom was born, and after those finally limp off into that sweet release of death, what will become of us who just want to spend $.25 and waste a few minutes?

A Mushroom Kingdom we can believe in.

You had me at hello.

This is probably older then dirt at this point, but I just stumbled upon Super Obama World.

Basically the game is a clone of  Super Mario World, but with Mr. Barrack Hussein Obama in place of video gamedom's favorite Italian stereotype.

Not exactly mind blowing stuff, but enough fun to at least waste an afternoon. Also, it's important to note that this isn't as heavy handed as other political flash games, barring the fact that most of the enemies in the game are pigs with lipstick.

http://superobamaworld.com/

Obscure Ancient Porn Parody Review-o-rama: Edward Penishands.

I have had a friend who throughout my life who would occasionally bring up a movie, in mixed conversation, that just about every part of my brain that is hardwired to coincide with reality completely rejected, thereby preventing me from even allowing myself to consider the possibility of it's existence.

This movie, with the kind of title that captures all the brilliance of a work with a few skillfully chosen words, was Edward Penishands.

Finally the functioning parts of my brain shorted out not long ago, allowing me to do a torrent search and see once and for whether this movie actually existed.

And it did.

Against all odds, all sanity, all taboos and social structure put in place to keep such a thing from possibly manifesting, Edward Penishands was a reality.

And it might just be the greatest thing our species has ever managed to accomplish.

Before we get into the actual review, let's just get one thing out of the way:

There he is, ladies and gentleman; Edward Scissorhands. Except with two cheap dildo gloves in place of scissors.

I can't get over it, really. An entire studio decided not only to create a parody of Mr. Burton's opus, but they actually replaced the scissors with male genitalia.

Somebody pitched this idea. Then an entire production team stopped laughing long enough to consider the idea seriously. Then they made this idea a reality.

This fact alone gives Edward Penishands a decent shot at dethroning Citizen Kane as the greatest film touched off by the hand of person.

The story to the film is something I won't dare spoil, if only for the fact that it follows the original source material surprisingly well.

The only major difference being that the kindly middle aged women selling door-to-door cosmetics is replaced with a kindly middle aged porn star selling door-to-door dildos.

She finds Edward in a drawing of a castle, wherein Edwards seemingly sentient mandibles get to work on the purveyor or marital aids, which of course leads her to bring him home with her and set about the events that would change the face of porn parodies with $14 budgets FOREVER.

The only problem with this film is that it utterly fails at being truly "arousing" in any way. Watching a women caress a man with a dildo glove kills any chance of attaining a "nerdrection."

This permeates the entire movie, almost as if Edward's wrist monsters are constantly watching over the actors from the scenery.

Still, Edward Penishands will probably stand as one of those porn parodies that not only overshadows the original work, but manages to make the rest of man's accomplishments look pathetic in comparison.

Take this humble woods man of the wild nerd plains advice, and torrent this movie. It may just change your life. 

Living in fear of the brainless

Today Nintendo revealed a patent for a system that may finally kick open the door to the pearly gates of the serious narrative driven video game for the main stream audience.

The patent, which you can read more about here, essentially allows video game virgins the option to watch a video of a developer playing the spot they are in if they are unable to figure out how to continue, or even have the computer take over completely and allow the player to jump back into the action when things look fun.

What's interesting about this news is the reaction it has been getting online. 

Forum dwellers and Kotaku Kommenters are acting as if this feature will finally drive the nail into what they believe has been a dieing feature in interactive entertainment; challenge. 

Any challenge, or neccessary build up of tedium even, can be skipped to reach the sweet creamy center of success. Instant gratification without any work, essentially turning our valued entertainment into an even cheaper source of "fun."

While I can understand the need to freak out and whine, I think that it's hard for these online social sevants to understand that this is no way meant for there kind.

It's for the people who have a hard time even comprehending how to control an avatar in a three dimensial plane. This system can allow them to come to terms with the fundamentals, and much like a toddler standing on shaky legs, learn to explore the world around them without help.

Fear and loathing in Las Vagas (CES)

This years CES came and went, and with it brought the continual steady drum beat that is technological progress. This of course brings us that much closer to Apple launching Sky Net and using our Genius preference list to destroy the human race.

Because I put even less effort into things then there are people who read this blog (-0), here's the link to a much lazier site that actually went:

http://i.gizmodo.com/5126932/ces-day-one-our-top-10

The biggest news was definitely the Palm Pre, a device that has finally made my Iphone look like a primitive cave man phone constructed of feces, shame, and more feces.

What makes the Pre so damn cool? It's just better than you, and to make matters worse, it's too humble to admit it. And you know you shouldn't, but that just makes you hate the bastard even more.

It also has an amazingly intuitive user interface that bridges the gap even more between personal computer and phone, along with a full keyboard and touch screen display.

The best part is undoubtedly the web browser; it is able to load full pages in a mere 10 seconds.

That officially makes the original Iphone look like a pile of three day old Chinese food on fire in the rain, with the 3G only looking slightly more appetising.

People who still use Apple's abortive attempt at cell phone technology are holding back the human race, as well as any other so called "smart phone."

In pure disgust of the travesty that has become may own communication device, I threw it into a clogged toilet that happened to be within three feet of my own toilet, and then urinated on it for good measure. 

Then I realized that I don't have the currency for the Pre thanks to the wonderful state of our economy and my own lack of mental stability, so now I sit in the corner, writing this blog on my failure of a Blackberry. The smell isn't as bad as you think.

The unending fun uselessness of the Iphone apps

Somebody turned me on to iSPINNING and iNewLeaf, two free apps for the Iphone that are super serious workout aids. 

These things don't wander around the game/serious application that Wii Fit resides in, and they manage to be more fully functioned than a simple widget or pedomater.

They are applications for the Iphone that are, amazingly, genuinely useful.

That's something I'm not quite used to yet. I'm so used to downloading something on the level of the lightsaber or LOL speak translator. Fun little diversions that aren't even close to useful, but still manage to bring a smile to your face.

It's interesting that I find these wastes of time more engaging than the actual fully featured games on the app store.

So long sweet prince.

Recently one of the juggernauts of the video game "journalism" industry, Electronic Gaming Monthly, was revealed that it would be left in the cold when Hearst media buys up the publishing company Ziff Davis, essentially giving the venerable magazine the axe.

To add insult to injury, just about every decent writer is also being made "redundant" on the 1UP.com website, which has long acted as the online alternative to EGM.

If this humble blogger may speak freely for a moment; this is just all different kinds of fucked up. EGM has been one of the main motivators in my life to pursue journalism as well as examine the fascinating creature that is the nerd.

In fact, the entire reason I pursued a career as a writer was the possibily of someday carrying the oxymoronic title of "video game journalist" while editing reviews of Kitten Palace. A silly dream to be sure, but one that has been dashed thanks to the grim realities of dwindling ad revenue and the publics continuing allergy to quality print.

So, what better way to intoduce this blog then on a sad note?

Welcome to the Valley of the Nerds.