Obscure Ancient Porn Parody Review-o-rama: Edward Penishands.

I have had a friend who throughout my life who would occasionally bring up a movie, in mixed conversation, that just about every part of my brain that is hardwired to coincide with reality completely rejected, thereby preventing me from even allowing myself to consider the possibility of it's existence.

This movie, with the kind of title that captures all the brilliance of a work with a few skillfully chosen words, was Edward Penishands.

Finally the functioning parts of my brain shorted out not long ago, allowing me to do a torrent search and see once and for whether this movie actually existed.

And it did.

Against all odds, all sanity, all taboos and social structure put in place to keep such a thing from possibly manifesting, Edward Penishands was a reality.

And it might just be the greatest thing our species has ever managed to accomplish.

Before we get into the actual review, let's just get one thing out of the way:

There he is, ladies and gentleman; Edward Scissorhands. Except with two cheap dildo gloves in place of scissors.

I can't get over it, really. An entire studio decided not only to create a parody of Mr. Burton's opus, but they actually replaced the scissors with male genitalia.

Somebody pitched this idea. Then an entire production team stopped laughing long enough to consider the idea seriously. Then they made this idea a reality.

This fact alone gives Edward Penishands a decent shot at dethroning Citizen Kane as the greatest film touched off by the hand of person.

The story to the film is something I won't dare spoil, if only for the fact that it follows the original source material surprisingly well.

The only major difference being that the kindly middle aged women selling door-to-door cosmetics is replaced with a kindly middle aged porn star selling door-to-door dildos.

She finds Edward in a drawing of a castle, wherein Edwards seemingly sentient mandibles get to work on the purveyor or marital aids, which of course leads her to bring him home with her and set about the events that would change the face of porn parodies with $14 budgets FOREVER.

The only problem with this film is that it utterly fails at being truly "arousing" in any way. Watching a women caress a man with a dildo glove kills any chance of attaining a "nerdrection."

This permeates the entire movie, almost as if Edward's wrist monsters are constantly watching over the actors from the scenery.

Still, Edward Penishands will probably stand as one of those porn parodies that not only overshadows the original work, but manages to make the rest of man's accomplishments look pathetic in comparison.

Take this humble woods man of the wild nerd plains advice, and torrent this movie. It may just change your life.